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Rethink your conflict approach Print E-mail

You and I probably view conflict quite differently. I was raised in a house where heated discussions were not allowed. You didn't argue at the dinner table. You didn't raise your voice. And, you didn't openly state your position.

So we avoided a lot of things that maybe should have been dealt with. And in some instances this was probably a good idea. But there where other instances where we probably should have tried another approach.

I have since learned that life requires many approaches--at home and at work. The classic framework to look at approaches to conflict is known as the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Modes. It suggests that we tend to come at conflict from one or more modes:

  • competition: I win-you lose
  • collaboration: Win-win
  • compromise:I lose some-you lose some...but we move on
  • accommodation: I lose-you win
  • avoidance: I won't play at all
The question is not which one is right. The question is which one is right for the situation. It is important to remember that these are modes or approaches. Not rights or wrongs.

If you use competitive, when you should use collaborative, you are likely to lose in the long run. If you use  collaborative when you should be using competitive, you will lose as well. You need to look at each situation and ask if you are using the right mode for the type of conflict.

If you only know one mode, like when I grew up, you are only going to be effective with certain conflicts. If you disagree with me feel free to argue your point. But if you find my response to be a little lacking in passion, it may be because I still want to avoid the conflict.

 

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